Literature « CAPUT58 {Suspended in Jerusalem}

One sunny day a Jewish man walks into my dealership. He is interested in purchasing a new car. I ask him what kind of a budget he has and what is he looking for. He says he wants something good for the amount he’s set aside. Great!

I begin showing him around and he has his eye on a Mitsubishi. It is within his budget so we continue talking about the possible extras he can order.

Jewish Man: “I want a cabriolet version.”
Me: “Cool, but take into account that we live in England, and rain here is frequent, so if you drive with your top open and it starts raining, you need to stop the car and pull up the roof…”
Jewish Man: “I’m OK with that, don’t worry. Can I get different seat covers? I want suede!”
Me: “You know what? I’ll throw in the suede seat covers for free, but again, if it rains and you don’t pull up the roof immediately, the suede will get ruined. I’ll give you the original seat covers also, so you can put them over the suede ones if you think it is going to rain and make sure…”
Jewish Man: “No, no, suede it is. I don’t need the original covers. They are ugly anyway…”
Me: “OK.”

So, I tell him to come again in one week and pick up his car. My people start working on the extras and make sure everything is in order. He leaves a down payment and goes away.

A week passes by and the Jewish Man doesn’t show up. I give him a few more days and give him a call.

Me: “Hello Jewish Man, your car is ready and waiting. Is everything OK?”
Jewish Man: “Oh yes. I’ll be around to pick up the car and complete the payment in a few days. By the way, did you install the GPS system I asked for?”
Me: “You didn’t ask for a GPS system Sir.”
Jewish Man: “Yes I did. I mean, I thought this was a standard. A friend of mine told me so, he works in the Peugeot dealership.”
Me: “1. You didn’t ask. 2. It is not a standard with us. 3. We are not a Peugeot dealership. Did you read the specification I gave you? It says there exactly what you get.”
Jewish Man: “What specification? You didn’t give me one.”
Me: “I am sure I did, Sir. But, you know what, just in case I didn’t I take the responsibility and we’ll put in the GPS. I’ll see you in a few days?”
Jewish Man: “Yes. Thank you. See you on Friday.”
Me: “Thanks.”

Come Friday, Jewish Man doesn’t show up. He comes in on Monday.

Me: “Hello! We were expecting you on Friday.”
Jewish Man: “Ah, Friday, it was a holiday for us, so I couldn’t make it.”
Me: “You should’ve called me, but that’s fine. Anyway, here’s a copy of the specification you claim I didn’t give you and also all of the documentation. Please take a look and make sure you understand everything.”
Jewish Man: “I do, I do. Don’t worry.”
Me: “Also, take a good look at the GPS manual, just in case.”
Jewish Man: “What do you mean. You think I am stupid?”
Me: “No, of course not. Just in case you use it, you should know how it works.”
Jewish Man: “I know how it works.”

I give him the keys, we sign off on the invoice and everything else and he walks away.

After 3 minutes he is back.

Jewish Man: “I need to drive to Brighton, which way should I go.”
Me: “You got the GPS Sir. That is what it is used for.”
Jewish Man: “I have no time for this, which way?”
Me: “Instead of me explaining for a few minutes, start driving, turn on the GPS and it will tell you…”
Jewish Man: “Oh, come on, what kind of car dealer are you? So rude!”
Me: “Listen, Sir, the GPS has a direct connection to the national database, it will direct you the right way and also help you avoid heavy traffic. I don’t know if there is a traffic jam on the way or not.”
Jewish Man: “Unbelievable! I should have bought my car somewhere else. You don’t deserve my money.”
Me: “You can still return the car and get your money back in full. Would you like to do that?”
Jewish Man: “No, no. You should be more helpful, you know, you are acting like you are the undisputed king of the world. Customers don’t like this. I don’t know how you even survive in the business being so rude…”
Me: “Well, I do. Thank you and goodbye.”

I walk away. He goes away too.

Two weeks pass and the Jewish Man is back.

Me: “Hello Sir. Are you enjoying your car?”
Jewish Man: “You bastard!”
Me: “What!?”
Jewish Man: “You lied to me. You sold me this piece of junk. You bastard.”
Me: “Hold on Sir, relax. What is the problem?”
Jewish Man: “What is the PROBLEM? You ask me? I’ll tell you, you Antisemitic bastard!”
Me: “No need to call me that Sir, what does Antisemitism have to do with this?”
Jewish Man: “You know very well. Don’t pretend you don’t!”
Me: “OK, OK, tell me what’s wrong.”
Jewish Man: “The car you sold me is a piece of junk. I was driving to Brighton when I left here and the GPS doesn’t work at all. Also, on the way, it rained and my suede seat covers are ruined now. I paid so much money for them.”
Me: “Haven’t I warned you about that? And you haven’t paid for them, they were for free, remember?”
Jewish Man: “Warned me? You lied to me! Come and take a look for yourself.”

We walk to the car and I see a dent on the side.

Me: “I see you managed to have an accident too.”
Jewish Man: “Oh yes I have, and it is all your fault!”
Me: “But how? I didn’t drive the car, you did.”
Jewish Man: “Yes it is, it started raining, I stopped to pull up the roof as you told me to do and another car crashed into me, the driver didn’t see me.”
Me: “So how is THAT my fault exactly? Did you stop by the side of the road?”
Jewish Man: “No. I stopped where I could, the shoulder was to narrow to stop there, so I was in the middle of the road almost.”
Me: “Again, how is that my fault? I didn’t build the road.”
Jewish Man: “No you didn’t but it rained heavily and my suede seat covers got ruined, so I had to do it fast. You told me so!”
Me: “I did warn you about that actually, but I never told you stop in the middle of the road.”
Jewish Man: “Oh, come on, haven’t I suffered enough. Haven’t WE suffered enough!”
Me: “I guess you haven’t…”
Jewish Man: “You are making fun of me? Fun of us.”
Me: “Fun of who?”
Jewish Man: “I know your kind. You are just looking for an opportunity to ruin a Jew. You are a Jew hater, Anti-Semite!”
Me: “Oh, please, I am Jewish myself, I didn’t bother to tell you that before, but I am, so you can’t possibly call me that!”
Jewish Man: “You are the worst kind. Antisemitism is your fault! Self hating Jew. Figures!”
Me: “Sir, you are rude. You are are a liar. I have nothing else to say to you. You can always sue me if you think I did you wrong. And, by the way, your GPS wasn’t turned on and that is why it didn’t work, next time try pushing the POWER button, here on the side, can you see this button?”
Jewish Man: “I don’t care, I don’t want this car anymore…”
Me: “But it’s yours, and it stays yours as long as you don’t sell it.”
Jewish Man: “See, you are enjoying my suffering. I wanted a Peugeot to begin with. You have drawn me into buying this junk. Look at it!”
Me: “You see what is written up here? Japanese Car Dealership? How on earth can I sell you a Peugeot.”
Jewish Man: “Exactly! You sell bad cars and then you blame it on your customers…”

And he went on and on. I didn’t know what to say anymore. There was nothing I could say. I just stood there and felt his “pain”.

…

For a very obvious reason I still go by my great grandmother’s smart advice: “Never ever reveal that you are Jewish to anybody. Especially not to a Jewish person, that’s when real trouble starts.”

…

Please note: The above story is fiction built upon my experiences in Israel for the last 16 years and with Jewish people in general all my life. The only two things that are not fictional are: the fact that I am Jewish and my great grandmother’s advice.

Moreover, I will probably be blamed for being an Anti-Semite for writing this. I don’t care. This is what I know and have experienced over and over again.

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